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"A Theatregoers Modern Guide to Etiquette"
by Paul Rudnick from the Los
Angeles Times
1.You should arrive at the theater far too
early. This will allow you ample opportunity to complain about
finding parking, the punishing cost of the tickets, how uncomfortable
the theater seats are, how there's no place to stash your
coat and your shins, and how fiendishly tedious the last 12
plays and musicals you've seen have been, particularly those
events that the critics proclaimed "searingly brilliant."
But at least you're not late.
2.While waiting for the show to begin, it's
fun to read the various bios in Playbill, but please do not
keep repeating in a vigorous, braying tone, "Never heard
of 'em!"
3.Unwrap all hard candies well before curtain,
so that the distracting rustle of this activity will not occur
during the performance. For some reason, the crackle of cellophane
will rivet an audience more than Sir Ian McKellen in "Richard
III," or Kathleen Turner in the raw. The only thing more
disruptive than unsheathing a lozenge is coughing, because
one cough in the orchestra section inspires another in the
mezzanine, and so on, until the theater becomes a ward. A
hint: If you feel a tickle coming on and fear that it might
soon blossom into a catastrophic hack, just imagine what Elaine
Stritch would do to you if she found you.
4.There are only three reasons for ever carrying
a cell phone into the theater. One: You're awaiting an organ
donation. And make that a major organ, not merely a lung or
a leg. Two: Your wife is about to give birth to your first
child (subsequent children are old news). Three: You're a
world leader who could be called upon in a nuclear emergency
(and even then, your phone must be set on vibrate). As for
everyone else, you are just not important enough for anyone
to call you at the theater, even during the 11th year of "The
Phantom of the Opera." It is permissible, however, for
performers onstage in "Phantom" to receive calls.
5.If your companion is hard of hearing, do
not explain the onstage action by shouting a running commentary,
such as, "Now King Lear is hugging her! Go figure!"
When your favorite star makes an entrance, restrain the urge
to howl, "Frank Langella — I love you!" Mr.
Langella has undoubtedly heard this phrase countless times
before, especially alone at his dressing room mirror.
6.If you are female, do not rush from your
seat 15 minutes before intermission. Your predicament, however,
is understandable; someday a savvy producer will reap a fortune
by cutting the show entirely and advertising, "Thirty
spotless, spacious ladies rooms on ground level in midtown!
$500 a seat!"
7.If the person in the seat next to you begins
to snore audibly, nudge him awake. Then whisper, "You
missed the nudity."
8.When a latecomer finally appears and, as
is always the case, forces an entire row of decent, punctual
people to stand up so that she can stumble to her seat, murmur
to that criminal: "Everyone hates you. Not just the people
in this theater. Everyone."
9.Never arrive at the theater dead drunk,
unless you're an English actor starring in the play.
10.You are entitled to the use of only one
armrest. The other one belongs to the large, smelly, chatty
stranger sitting next to you, the individual with the soggy
umbrella
11.If you are offended by the show's crude
language or overt sexual content, protest by seeing it several
more times.
12.Do not leap out of your seat and race
up the aisle skipping the curtain call in a calculated attempt
to get first dibs on your car or taxi. What if, at the Pearly
Gates, you discover that God is an actor?
13.If you bring small children with you to
a show, after duct-taping and shackling the adorable toddlers,
remind them that, "If you fidget, Simba will die."
14.A standing ovation is not automatically
mandated by a show's massive budget, or by the entire cast
lining up and grinning maniacally while they raise their arms.
Rise and cheer only if you are truly moved to do so, or if
you love ABBA that much.
15.Is it appropriate to attend a show during
previews, and then to go online via your Palm Pilot to dish
the first act at intermission? Yes but only if the show's
creators are allowed equal time to discuss your hairpiece
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